How can one be both married and engaged without committing adultry?

Yes, it is possible to be both married and engaged - that is, when you are with an egyptian.

I get so many questions about why my Facebook & Myspace relationship status says - Married. Well... let me explain.

Yasser and I performed what is known as an Orfi. Very controversial ceremony that basically says "under God" we are married. Please note - it is not observed by the government. Sooo.. we are engaged.

Am I starting to make sense?

Let me explain what an orfi is:

'Urfi (Arabic: عرفي) comes from the Arabic word 'Urf, which means custom, convention, or a customary act.

In its modern context, 'Urfi is used to connote something which is different to official state ceremony or procedure. Thus a Nikah 'urfi' in an Islamic state may denote something similar to a common-law marriage in the west, while in some coutries, such as Egypt, a Nikah 'Urfi is a marriage that takes place without the public approval of the bride's guardians, even though the contract is officiated by a religious cleric and sometimes by a state representative.

It is similar to the Nikah ceremony. An orfi marriage is a marriage without an official contract. Couples repeat the words, "We got married" and pledge commitment before God. Usually a paper, stating that the two are married, is written and two witnesses sign it. Most Islamic countries do not recognize 'Orfi marriages. Neither partner can get a 'legal' divorce since the government does recognize the legality of the marriage in the first place.

The 'Orfi marriage has always existed, but for different reasons.

In the past, it was common among the widows of soldiers who had huge pensions and they did not want to lose it by officially re-marrying.

Now, however, it is mostly among university students and young couples who cannot afford the high cost of marriage.

Undocumented 'Orfi marriages are increasingly popular among Egyptian youth. The high cost of marriage forces many young couples to wait several years before they marry. Conservative Egyptian society forbids sex before marriage, so many young people consider the 'Orfi marriage a solution.

'Orfi marriages are conducted by a Muslim cleric in the presence of two witnesses. However, they are not officially registered and are not legally financially binding on the man. Couples married in this way often meet in secret and avoid the expense of renting an apartment.

The 'Orfi marriage can be disastrous for the wife in legal terms. If the husband leaves her without granting her a divorce, she had no legal right to seek a divorce since 'Orfi marriage is considered illegal. Her husband could remarry. The wife is in a more difficult position. If the wife remarries, she can be accused of polyandry, which is punishable by seven years in prison in Egypt, or she could remain single for the rest of her life.


The new Egyptian law (passed in 2000) recognizes the woman's right to seek divorce from an 'Orfi marriage. However, the law denies her alimony and child support.

There are also controversial, unofficial "'Orfi" marriages, where a couple signs documents declaring themselves married. The couple does not inform their families of the marriage. Many Egyptian clerics are against this type of 'Orfi marriage calling it a cover for pre-marital sex.

An extreme form of 'Orfi marriage is known as zawag al-'urfi: to give prostitution an Islamic cover, some women enter into secret marriage contracts with their summer visitors. Known in Egypt as zawag al-'urfi, this contract is made without witnesses and typically ends in divorce by summer's end. Most of Egypt's Islamic scholars condemn this use of zawag al-'urfi.

Why did we do it?

Simple.. we wanted to be able to spend time alone, without shame and escorts constantly. PLUS - without a doubt, we were getting engaged. But in his culture, that would be constant chaperons and it would appear improper for a woman to spend time alone with him and all of his friends.

So - to make a long story short, I am engaged - married. I see myself as with the man I will marry officially in America. We have been together over two years now - thru friendship, engagement - and now we wait for the day we can legally call ourselves husband and wife.

Crazy?

Nah... crazy is staying in a loveless marriage with a man you despise. Instead - I choose love.


Until next time...