Naps are luxurious - who knew?

I have spent my entire life with one truth holding strong - SLEEP IS A WASTE OF TIME.

In my pursuit to take tiny little strides in a healthier lifestyle, I have decided to cut down on my caffeine intake. Not so much that I have headaches and am irritable, more so to just not be quite so anxious.

While cutting back on my cups of coffee and just about completely cutting out soda - I have discovered that I am not quite as energetic (naturally) as I once thought I was.

Today - I took a real nap.

Not a "I crashed due to exhaustion." But an honest to goodness afternoon nap.

I must admit - it was fabulous.

Now, I realize you are probably rolling your eyes as you read this - but I have to tell you, this was very serious. I ever quite understood the beauty of taking a fabulous nap. Maybe this is a new thing I will develop into the next half of my life. I am 36 - perhaps it is time to learn to chill the *F* out.

That's about it for today. I don't have any system to my blog entries. No major feeling on this or that. I think I will keep it light - keep it about my life, and stay away from all of the opinionated stuff. I tend to rant on Facebook - where I actually have an audience. LOL This feels a little more intimate. Not sure if anyone reads any of these, it's just some place for me to come and ramble a bit. And that's alright. (Heck.. I just started a sentence with AND - see- I do feel comfortable to let my hair down here.)

Until next time..

Wearing O the Green and ENTs..

It is Saint Patrick's Day. Woo Hoo. Or tra la la.
I used to get so excited about St. Patty's Day. It represented a day I could really celebrate my Irish roots, accentuate my twinkling blue irish eyes, drink the green beer and scream - YES - I am catholic and proud!

Now- the idea of the irish pride just bubbles up- then fizzles out.

That is all I have to say about March 17th.

I have decided to attempt to really really really do this blog again. I am just so sad I cannot keep it together the way I used to. If you would like to check out my previous life - go to:
http://nicoleparker05.blogspot.com/

My email and name has since changed. The character portrayed in my life has also changed.

I did go back and read those years - wow. I can't believe I stayed married as long as I did. LOL

It is brutal and well - it is honest. I notice that one of the last blogs I posted was a few days before Chris asked me for a divorce. Interesting.

I have not written since.

But so many good things have happened since. I have just had a really hard time seeing this. That is what divorce did to me.
It changed my perception of the world around me.

I think there is a common bond and understanding amoung divorcees. I guess that must be that "bond" mommies find with each other. It's that "If you have not experienced this - you can never understand."

I guess the biggest earth shaking thing I am experiencing now is the fact I am trying to find new hobbies. I have kind of sizzled out with Flamenco. I LOVE it - just the class is not progressing and we do the same things each week. Which I know is necessary to move forward, you must perfect it - but I want to learn new dances - and I need more than once a week for $60 to get my money's worth. I have to figure this out for myself.

Also - I am wanting to try some new things. I want to learn a new "craft." Like knitting or sewing or .. something.

I did order this packet on how to make rosaries. LOL - I know, I know.. but I have always been fascinated with rosaries.

Okay - I think I have rambled enough to constitute a blog entry. hahaha

Headache

What more can I say, but I want to crawl up in a ball and sleep for days.

I wole up this morning with a BLAZING headache. Not one of cautionary meningitus headaches - but the kind that is telling me, "Girl - you are stressed."

Mentally I am confused - why am I so upset/stressed/emotional? If I strategically break it down - all should be well. I got the apartment. (How many times do I have to repeat this to myself. I WILL NOT be homeless.) My job and pay is good. (Calm Down.) I bought the wedding dress and KNOW what I want. (Chill out.) Big loose ends are slowing becoming tied up (BREATHE.)

Perhaps my body responds to stressful situations after the fact. I notice I handle things fairly well when I am under massive stress. I tend to go into solution mode and I turn each "issue" into a task to be tackled and completed. I do NOT like loose ends.

Then, when it all works out - I spend about 24 hours in an elated state - then BOOM - my body reacts with headaches, naseua, aches, pains... dizziness - etc. Today I am in the middle of all of the above.

I have tried breathing, praying, meditating, hot baths.. you name it. I cannot get my body on board with my brain.

I have said it before - I never respond appropriately. My emotions never match what I should be experiencing. I am not sure how to change this about myself - but it seems like a really good "issue" to fix in the New Year.

On the brighter side of things, my 6 page article in the Birmingham Magazine will be out on Feb 1st for Heart Month. February is when we concentrate on Go Red For Women - a campaign focused on educating women that cardiovascular disease is the number one cause of death.

I put in an email to the embassy to see when my egyptian will be here. I miss him soooooo damned much. It hurts. Literally. There is a void in my life - and it is that companionship. I can't remember the last time I was even hugged by another person. I am operating on absolutely no physical interaction. I do not mean sexual - I mean literally - nothing. I think there might be something comforting about human interaction mixed with touch. I think the closest I come to this is when the hair stylist fixes my hair. LOL So sad - trying going over a year without anything even like a friendly hug.

Okay - maybe I had a few handshakes - but that is it.

*sigh*.

Until next time...

Personally...

I am rocking it at day 7 in 2009. This means I have officially survived one full week.

I am afraid to mention the obvious - but so far, so good.
For whatever reason I am super supersticious when it comes to things like this. I am sure it has something to do with the fact my mom is this bizarre pagan/catholic. Yes, I am serious. A baptized catholic who practises various paganistic things. She is obessed with tarot, reading tea leaves, palms.. etc. She believes in the ghoulies, goblins.. and the importance of nature. For years I was told if I do one thing, something else will happen.

As an adult, I realize this is simply not possible. But I must admit - that small bit of irrational behavior swoops in from time to time.

You may be wondering, what in the world is GOOD? Welllll - I got my apartment.

For the average reader, this is not a big deal. BUT - I have the worst credit this side of the Mississppi, and for about 2 years I have been unable to get anything in my name.. or at least not without a co-signer. FINALLY I am back in the game. *yippee*.

My wedding dress arrived two days ago. Again - it is simple, and may not impress many people - but I have experienced the BIG poofy dress and the 450+ people in a big traditional catholic wedding.

This time - I am going for intimate. Under 40 guests, simple, romantic...

Details to come later.

Work is steaming along. Busy planning for Go Red For Women...

Blah Blah Blah..

Can you tell I don't have much to say.

So - with that I will leave...

Until next time,

How can one be both married and engaged without committing adultry?

Yes, it is possible to be both married and engaged - that is, when you are with an egyptian.

I get so many questions about why my Facebook & Myspace relationship status says - Married. Well... let me explain.

Yasser and I performed what is known as an Orfi. Very controversial ceremony that basically says "under God" we are married. Please note - it is not observed by the government. Sooo.. we are engaged.

Am I starting to make sense?

Let me explain what an orfi is:

'Urfi (Arabic: عرفي) comes from the Arabic word 'Urf, which means custom, convention, or a customary act.

In its modern context, 'Urfi is used to connote something which is different to official state ceremony or procedure. Thus a Nikah 'urfi' in an Islamic state may denote something similar to a common-law marriage in the west, while in some coutries, such as Egypt, a Nikah 'Urfi is a marriage that takes place without the public approval of the bride's guardians, even though the contract is officiated by a religious cleric and sometimes by a state representative.

It is similar to the Nikah ceremony. An orfi marriage is a marriage without an official contract. Couples repeat the words, "We got married" and pledge commitment before God. Usually a paper, stating that the two are married, is written and two witnesses sign it. Most Islamic countries do not recognize 'Orfi marriages. Neither partner can get a 'legal' divorce since the government does recognize the legality of the marriage in the first place.

The 'Orfi marriage has always existed, but for different reasons.

In the past, it was common among the widows of soldiers who had huge pensions and they did not want to lose it by officially re-marrying.

Now, however, it is mostly among university students and young couples who cannot afford the high cost of marriage.

Undocumented 'Orfi marriages are increasingly popular among Egyptian youth. The high cost of marriage forces many young couples to wait several years before they marry. Conservative Egyptian society forbids sex before marriage, so many young people consider the 'Orfi marriage a solution.

'Orfi marriages are conducted by a Muslim cleric in the presence of two witnesses. However, they are not officially registered and are not legally financially binding on the man. Couples married in this way often meet in secret and avoid the expense of renting an apartment.

The 'Orfi marriage can be disastrous for the wife in legal terms. If the husband leaves her without granting her a divorce, she had no legal right to seek a divorce since 'Orfi marriage is considered illegal. Her husband could remarry. The wife is in a more difficult position. If the wife remarries, she can be accused of polyandry, which is punishable by seven years in prison in Egypt, or she could remain single for the rest of her life.


The new Egyptian law (passed in 2000) recognizes the woman's right to seek divorce from an 'Orfi marriage. However, the law denies her alimony and child support.

There are also controversial, unofficial "'Orfi" marriages, where a couple signs documents declaring themselves married. The couple does not inform their families of the marriage. Many Egyptian clerics are against this type of 'Orfi marriage calling it a cover for pre-marital sex.

An extreme form of 'Orfi marriage is known as zawag al-'urfi: to give prostitution an Islamic cover, some women enter into secret marriage contracts with their summer visitors. Known in Egypt as zawag al-'urfi, this contract is made without witnesses and typically ends in divorce by summer's end. Most of Egypt's Islamic scholars condemn this use of zawag al-'urfi.

Why did we do it?

Simple.. we wanted to be able to spend time alone, without shame and escorts constantly. PLUS - without a doubt, we were getting engaged. But in his culture, that would be constant chaperons and it would appear improper for a woman to spend time alone with him and all of his friends.

So - to make a long story short, I am engaged - married. I see myself as with the man I will marry officially in America. We have been together over two years now - thru friendship, engagement - and now we wait for the day we can legally call ourselves husband and wife.

Crazy?

Nah... crazy is staying in a loveless marriage with a man you despise. Instead - I choose love.


Until next time...

Time keeps on ticking.. ticking.. ticking..

I have survived two whole days into this New Year.

Said it before and I am sure I will say it again - so far, so good.

My New Year's eve consisted of a bottle of champagne with my room mate as we watched two very funny movies: Step Brothers and Forgetting Sara Marshall. I had a good chuckle, boxed up a few more items for my big move at the end of the month, and headed off to bed.

I live in Alabama - which makes me suffer through a Central Time Zone. I grew up on the east coast. So, I decided I would celebrate on Eastern Standard Time, and I fell asleep shortly after 11pm.

(I told you I lead a very boring life.)

On New Year's day I proceeded to get my affairs in order. I mailed off yet another request for a deferment for student loans. I tell you, I have been dodging those bastards for years.
Then I went to the hell on earth otherwise known as Walmart. Believe it or not, I succeeded in purchasing items that were not only healthy to eat, but also a good price. Yes, dear friends, there is a God!

Of course a nasty little friend of my reappeared. You may be familiar with him - I honestly thought he and I said goodbye a couple of year's ago - but my angry little panic disorder decided to creep in and wish me a happy new year.

Yep, had my first panic attack of the year.

Now you might be thinking... what??? In .. the.. world.. is .. she .. talking.. about? Yep, I have suffered with a panic disorder for about 27 years. Luckily, I have basically stopped having attacks the past 6 years or so. Every once in a blue moon the adrenal gland likes to show it's ugly little face and have me get a little "pumped up" and "freaked out."

The good news is - I know how to control them. After years and years of serious agony over not being able to do ANYTHING without feeling like I was going to die - I have finally conquered the ugly little beast. .... Or so I thought.

I know I am not invincible, but at least I understand why my mind decides to do this from time to time.

There is a lot going on in my life right now - wedding, moving, financial stuff, lots of work, etc. It's almost too much for most people. Unfortunately, I do not have a very strong support system. I have one - just not the most coddling of ones.

Not that coddling ever worked for me. But I do have to handle things on my own more often than not.

I have always been envious of people who have a nice soft bed to fall back on from the trust fall. Me? Nope - I choose not to participate in that challenge course game. I know better. My issues, and stressors are too much for the average person to handle. I would never fall on anyone.

Do any of you suffer from panic attacks? Are you curious about them?

I found some amazing resources that helped me throughout the years. I have learned so much.

You may be asking what exactly is a panic attack? or even panic disorder -

Just so you know - Panic Disorder is a serious condition that around one out of every 75 people might experience. It usually appears during the teens or early adulthood, and while the exact causes are unclear, there does seem to be a connection with major life transitions that are potentially stressful: graduating from college, getting married, having a first child, and so on.

There is also some evidence for a genetic predisposition; if a family member has suffered from panic disorder, you have an increased risk of suffering from it yourself, especially during a time in your life that is particularly stressful.

A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience.

Symptoms of a panic attack include:
racing heartbeat
difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air'
terror that is almost paralyzing
dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
trembling, sweating, shaking
choking, chest pains
hot flashes, or sudden chills
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die

You probably recognize this as the classic 'flight or fight' response that human beings experience when we are in a situation of danger. But during a panic attack, these symptoms seem to rise from out of nowhere. They occur in seemingly harmless situations--they can even happen while you are asleep.


In addition to the above symptoms, a panic attack is marked by the following conditions:
- it occurs suddenly, without any warning and without any way to stop it.
- the level of fear is way out of proportion to the actual situation; often, in fact, it's completely unrelated.
- it passes in a few minutes; the body cannot sustain the 'fight or flight' response for longer than that.

However, repeated attacks can continue to recur for hours.

A panic attack is not dangerous, but it can be terrifying, largely because it feels 'crazy' and 'out of control.'
Panic disorder is frightening because of the panic attacks associated with it, and also because it often leads to other complications such as phobias, depression, substance abuse, medical complications, even suicide.
Its effects can range from mild word or social impairment to a total inability to face the outside world.
In fact, the phobias that people with panic disorder develop do not come from fears of actual objects or events, but rather from fear of having another attack. In these cases, people will avoid certain objects or situations because they fear that these things will trigger another attack.

Please remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose a panic disorder. There are certain signs you may already be aware of, though.

One study found that people sometimes see 10 or more doctors before being properly diagnosed, and that only one out of four people with the disorder receive the treatment they need. That's why it's important to know what the symptoms are, and to make sure you get the right help.

Many people experience occasional panic attacks, and if you have had one or two such attacks, there probably isn't any reason to worry.

The key symptom of panic disorder is the persistent fear of having future panic attacks. If you suffer from repeated (four or more) panic attacks, and especially if you have had a panic attack and are in continued fear of having another, these are signs that you should consider finding a mental health professional who specializes in panic or anxiety disorders.

Without treatment, panic disorder can have very serious consequences.

The immediate danger with panic disorder is that it can often lead to a phobia. That's because once you've suffered a panic attack, you may start to avoid situations like the one you were in when the attack occurred.

Many people with panic disorder show 'situational avoidance' associated with their panic attacks.

For example, you might have an attack while driving, and start to avoid driving until you develop an actual phobia towards it.

In worst case scenarios, people with panic disorder develop agoraphobia -- fear of going outdoors -- because they believe that by staying inside, they can avoid all situations that might provoke an attack, or where they might not be able to get help. The fear of an attack is so debilitating, they prefer to spend their lives locked inside their homes.

Most specialists agree that a combination of cognitive and behavioral therapies are the best treatment for panic disorder.

Medication might also be appropriate in some cases.

Many people who suffer from panic disorder are worried that their panic attacks mean they're 'going crazy' or that the panic might induce a heart attack. 'Cognitive restructuring' (changing one's way of thinking) helps people replace those thoughts with more realistic, positive ways of viewing the attacks.

Cognitive therapy can help the patient identify possible triggers for the attacks. The trigger in an individual case could be something like a thought, a situation, or something as subtle as a slight change in heartbeat. Once the patient understands that the panic attack is separate and independent of the trigger, that trigger begins to lose some of its power to induce an attack.

The behavioral components of the therapy can consist of what one group of clinicians has termed 'interoceptive exposure.' This is similar to the systematic desensitization used to cure phobias, but what it focuses on is exposure to he actual physical sensations that someone experiences during a panic attack.

People with panic disorder are more afraid of the actual attack than they are of specific objects or events; for instance, their 'fear of flying' is not that the planes will crash but that they will have a panic attack in a place, like a plane, where they can't get to help. Others won't drink coffee or go to an overheated room because they're afraid that these might trigger the physical symptoms of a panic attack.

Interoceptive exposure can help them go through the symptoms of an attack (elevated heart rate, hot flashes, sweating, and so on) in a controlled setting, and teach them that these symptoms need not develop into a full-blown attack.

Behavioral therapy is also used to deal with the situational avoidance associated with panic attacks. One very effective treatment for phobias is in vivo exposure, which is in its simplest terms means breaking a fearful situation down into small manageable steps and doing them one at a time until the most difficult level is mastered.

Relaxation techniques can further help someone 'flow through' an attack. These techniques include breathing retraining and positive visualization. Some experts have found that people with panic disorder tend to have slightly higher than average breathing rates, learning to slow this can help someone deal with a panic attack and can also prevent future attacks.

In some cases, medications may also be needed. Anti-anxiety medications may be prescribed, as well as antidepressants, and sometimes even heart medications (such as beta blockers) that are used to control irregular heartbeats.


If you suffer from panic disorder, like I do, these therapies can help you. But you can't do them on your own; all of these treatments must be outlined and prescribed by a psychologist or psychiatrist.

At 23 I decided to try cognitive behavior therapy and it was wonderful!! Now, at least - when that bastard wants to show it's little head, I know what to do and how to handle it.

So it goes without saying... I just might be experiencing a little stress. LOL

Just a little.. you think??

That's okay.. because time keeps on ticking.. ticking.. and I don't want anything holding me back from a wonderful year!!


Until next time...

Welcome to the Transition.. and other abnormalities of Nicole's Life.

Greetings! A new year is upon us, as well as a new blog.

I want a clean slate - a new beginning - a way to free my inner turmoil and express my more passionate or creative side.

LOL

Yep, it's pretty clear it is a new year.

I decided to go through old journals from years past. The same thing, over & over - New beginnings, new decisions, new promises. When does it ever end?

That's when I realized something very important: it never ends. Life is nothing but one BIG transition. We always evolve, we are always changing, we are always looking for the next best/bigger/amazing thing or a newer/thinner/more beautiful self.

It all goes back to that old quote: "Life is a Journey, Not a Destination."

That is a beautiful way to segue to my invitation - please join me on a quest we call life.

I will attempt to blog at least 5 days a week, perhaps more. I will take you through the trials and tribulations of what is my very (not exciting) life. But I promise you this - if you stick with me, you will laugh, cry, cheer, and find hope.

Let's go over some basics - kind of like the book jacket - and let you decide if you are interested in following my dreary little life.

I am 35. Not too old, not too young. I am employed. Woo Hoo (in this time of life.) I am educated. I am passionate. I am creative. I am fairly intelligent. I cannot type, I cannot spell. So get over that before you read any further.

I am engaged/married. LOL I will explain that one later. I am about to move. I live in a state outside of where I grew up.

I have a cat.

I take Flamenco dance classes and volunteer at my church.

I am disgusted by mayo, grits and white milk.

I love to write.

I cannot keep a secret.

I love to philosophize about everything.

Care to join me on a magical ride - called - the transitional journey?

Good...

Until next time...